It isn’t too bad when I’m using the landline phone, and the voice on the other end is clear. And with the landline there are limited things I can do while I’m talking on the phone, if I’m not just sitting down and focus on the conversations.

I also don’t quite understand when people call each other 15 minutes a day, 3 or 4 times a week. I would rather meet them, sit with them on the weekend, and catch up to form an hour conversation.

Isn’t it better? Because when you have a face-to-face conversation you can see their expressions, their body language, you can form that bond quicker and tighter than if you’re talking on the phone all the time. You honestly don’t know what the other person is doing or thinking when they’re talking to you. Not seldom I see people make faces when they’re on the phone, and they do it because the other person won’t see it.

At a workplace, I don’t really think too much. You have to do what you have to do. People you deal with on regular basis might not be your choice of buddy for the weekend.

But I fail to see a reason why people would do that for personal conversations. If you don’t like that person, don’t befriend them. If you hate talking to them, then don’t talk to them. If you don’t care about what’s going on in their life, because they obviously could care less themselves, then tell them that.

These kind of things could’ve been eliminated easily when you’re talking face-to-face. When you have no interest to listening to their problems, it will show. And you wouldn’t have to feel like a fool, or even a tool, in the end.

On the other hand, if you really do care about somebody, it will show when you interact personally. They can tell from your body language, your expressions, from all the non-verbal cues.

I guess it all comes back to personal preference.

Same thing with my lack of understanding why some people, the first thing they do when they get in their car, even before the turn on the ignition, is to take their cell phone out and start dialling a number.

Can’t they wait? If they live that far away, at least until they get on the highway when there’s less traffic complications. Or after they get out of that tight parking lot, to the least.

Oh well, I guess it’s just not me. I’m just curious though, from statistic’s standpoint, do people prefer to talk on the phone or talking face-to-face? For personal matter, I suppose. I’m not starting an argument when it pertains to important matters. Although I could, because it all depends on the level of importance, but I’m not going there today.

Just simply personal matters and conversation style, on the phone or face to face?

Wait, let me rephrase that. Not just at work, but to everyone else in our daily life. And it’s not like we’re faking it, it just happens naturally. I find it to be very interesting when my husband came up with that answer.

It was a weekday tv-series night in our living room. I started saying something, and he came up with his usual, “What?” with that I-can’t-hear-you look on his face.

Mmm, I was sitting right next to him.

So I repeated it and he responded. Then the show came back on and we got quiet. When a commercial came back up, I started talking again. And again, he said, “What?”

That annoyed me, somehow, that I had to ask, “Why does it seem like you’re the only one who can’t understand me? I have no problems communicating with everyone else at work, in the mall, at the gas station, even our neighbors.”

So he looked confused. Obviously he didn’t have a good answer. It wasn’t like he’s planning to “what?” my every other questions.

Somehow, though, he came up with this brilliant reply. It sure got me quiet, because he got me thinking.

He said, “You talk differently with me than you are with other people.”

Well hey isn’t he the genius? Sure enough, it’s something that you don’t realize, but you certainly do it.

When you speak to other people, you’re constantly playing a different role.

In business and in front of clients, you speak to impress. You stand tall, you project your voice and your words come out clearly.

When you’re with your friends, you’re more relaxed, but you still project your voice, because you’re excited to share the news or whatever you were talking about.

when you’re with your child, you lower your tone when they behave, and you raise it when you want an answer or explanation. I don’t have any children, but that’s what my parents used to do.

So being not a natural talker myself, and for being more on a quiet side when I wind down at the end of the day, I just don’t want to talk unless something really piques my interest.

Fair enough when I’m slouching on the couch and say something that I have no interest on saying, my words came out as babble.

Turns out, it wasn’t the only occasion that he asked me to repeat what I said because he didn’t get it the first time. I just assumed, since he’s there, close to me, somehow he can read my mind.

Well he can’t. Nobody can.

As usual, I thought too much. I dug deeper, and started asking myself a question, “Do I do this to other people?”

When someone is physically sitting next to me, it doesn’t always mean they’re paying attention to me. Not only do I still need to project my voice, I also need to make sure they know that I was talking to them.

As a woman as well, I’m guilty as charge when it comes to hinting. Sometimes throwing a hint just doesn’t work. Say it straight, be clear. Don’t assume.

Clearly communicating means the other person knows you’re talking to them, they listen to (not just hearing) you, and if you need a request, they know exactly what you’re asking.

If you fail to communicate what you mean clearly, it’s not just one party (the listener) at fault. You are just as guilty for not being listenable. Project your voice, and your words will be heard.

A lot of times you don’t even care if you don’t get to be the center of attention. At work or school, however, you DO want that sense of acknowldgement of your capabilities, especially during meetings or work sessions.

If you are always the quiet one during meeting, but somehow, ended up with all the work afterwards, you’re not alone. You want to say something, you DO have something to say. And you know it’s going to be useful, it’s a thoughtful idea, and not just some random phrases that sound cool.

Well, here’s the thing, if they stay in your head, it’s not going to do anyone any good.

I hear you, it’s easier said than done. It’s even more complicated when you’re not only introverted, but also shy.

Yes, I’ve been there.

Here’s what you need to do, and yes, it’s a step-by-step process:

1. Preparation is the key.

If this meeting is that important to you, do your homework diligently. Make sure you gather all the information about the topic, the causes relevants to the topic, the speaker’s background, and the attendees information (their position, their strengths & weaknesses, their achievements, etc). Write down your points.

2. Get there early.

Pick the seat that is most comfortable to you. A good spot where you will be able to see the presentation board clearly, where you can see the entire room, and maybe get the spot closest to the door, just in case you need to go to the restroom, but don’t like to have all eyes on you because you’re in their way.

3. Introduce yourself and sit down.

What most likely going to happen is, a few minutes after you introduced yourself, people will soon forget that you’re even there. That’s okay. They haven’t seen anything yet. To me personally, it’s not a bother. I like my quiet moment before the meeting starts, it calms me down.

4. Stay quiet, open your eyes and ears.

During the meeting and presentation, pay close attention to the speaker, not just to what he says, but how he says it. Every once in a while, scan the room. See what everyone’s doing, what their reactions are.

There will be some people who are going to come up with some funny words every now and then, and yes they do get that 2-seconds attention when everyone’s laughing. But that’s it. That is the only moment of fame they would have. When this meeting is over, do you think people will remember them?

You will, because you are going to note everything down. Any ideas, questions that pop-up in your head, write them down. Don’t raise your hand just yet.

Make that list of killer questions or bullet-point of terrific ideas that nobody would ever thought of. You did your research, remember? You even find some counter-intuitive arguments for what had been said earlier by the other attendees.

Save them though, it’s not the time yet.
 
5. The moment of truth.

When the meeting is almost over, look at your notes, take a deep breath, and raise your hand. Now every eyes are on you, yes. That’s okay. The meeting is almost over. The speaker thought it was almost done, everyone’s ready to get on with their day.

So now it’s time to ask those killer questions. Go ahead and blurp out those maginificent ideas that you have had since last week.

Speak clearly. Start with why you know it would be a great idea, how it would be a great idea (showcase your research efforts), and how it would benefit the company/speaker/everyone’s involved. It’s okay if you mumble at first, have the note in your hand and as long as you project your voice that everyone can hear you, read those notes out loud.

When you’re done asking questions(s), when everyone has that “Wow, where did that come from?” look on their faces, you know you did it.

It’s okay if now you feel the need to roll under the carpet, it’s almost over, remember? Stay around to see the reactions, and if someone has something to say about what you just said. Whatever it is, you were heard.

What you do after that, it’s an entirely different story.

Me? Remember I picked the seat by the door? As soon as the meeting is announced to be over, I would be the first one to walk through that door, heading to the washroom. I would follow-up tomorrow, or later on during the day, when my heart stops pounding and my head comes back down from the cloud.

It’s the best time of the year. It begins with the leaves changing color, and then the crisp smell in the air. Soon enough you start seeing turkey ads on the grocery stores flyer. You can even start hearing Christmas music in some stores.

Not to mention, the weather starts to cool down. In Florida, this is the best time of the year in term of the weather. It’s not too cold, but it’s definitely not hot anymore. When you leave the house in the morning, you look up and see the bluest sky you can imagine, with that breeze hugging you all around.

Having a good feeling in the morning is the best way to start the day. Next time you walk outside, or approaching your car on the driveway, stop for 3 seconds and just look up. Then take a deep breath, and be grateful for another beautiful day.

Now what does this have to do with conversations? Everything.

When you meet people who you’d already have connections, but haven’t seen each other enough to go into any serious topic of conversation (not to start with anyway), begin with this questions, “So, what are you going to do for Thanksgiving?”

Normally, they’ll begin telling you about their family traditions, family members, and favorite dishes. Start the conversation from there.

If you would like to start making connection with someone who you’d just met, begin with the weather topic. No, really, in Florida, it’s not cheesy at all. I would normally say something like this, “Man, it’s cold this morning. It’s nice though. Get you in holiday mood. Don’t you agree?” and that would usually get them to respond. Either by saying, “Not really, I’m from Up North,” or “I know, and I have to start with Christmas shopping already.”

Regardless what they say, even someone with conversation block like me would find further questions or responds to keep the conversation flowing. Just simply the fact that they start feeling good as they start thinking about the holiday when you two are talking about it, that would make them more open in having the conversations.

My favorite part in starting conversations is when we’re picking turkey in the grocery stores freezer. I love getting advice from the older lady and give them to the younger ones when I see them start glazing over those piles of frozen poultry.

Oh good feeling. That certainly helps me to relax as well. I’m not going to put on so much pressure on myself. Good enjoyable conversations would never happen when one of the parties is stressed out all the time, trying to figure out what to say next, when to listen, and how to watch the body language to figure out what the other party is actually feeling.

Holiday season and holiday topics usually take all those negativity off. When you don’t know how to start a conversation with a stranger next time, start with anything related to holiday season. Soon enough you would have interesting conversations that leave everyone feel good during and afterwards.

It doesn’t always mean I think I’m better than other people. In fact, a lot of times “the point” I make is: Thanks for sharing the story and the lesson learned from it with me.

My mind is like 24/7 processor. It never stops thinking, finding the reasoning behind the simplest things; those little things that happen everyday. It’s almost as if I don’t learn anything today, one day in my life is just going to be a waste.

It’s tiring, you might think. Actually, I don’t feel that way. It just happens so naturally I never considered it as a burden. Well, why should I? It’s not always bad when you realize that nothing should ever be taken for granted, especially the little things in life.

OKay, now what does this have anything to do with Clear Communication? Well, that’s why I talk slow.

That’s why I’m not quick-witted. I don’t let myself speak without my brain processing every words.

What if people get offended? What if people ask me further and I don’t know the answer? What if I try to make a joke and people are not laughing?

Actually, let me rephrase the paragraph. At one point in my life, I did offend somebody when I ran my mouth. I said something and people counter-attacked my statement and I never felt more like an idiot as I walked out the room. And yes, I tried to make jokes and all I got was this blank stare.

To conclude my issues, my biggest fear from speaking-without-thinking-first is putting my foot in my mouth; and look stupid.

I have a dry sense of humor, and I learned it the hard way. When I realize I can’t make people laugh, I went to the extreme and became super serious.

As in seriousness lays my strength, because I am indeed the problem solver. When I realized that it’s my nature to not be a joker and be a fixer instead, I started changing my style of communication.

I became that one person that people go-to when they have problems, and sometimes, ONLY when they have problems.

Turned out, I was okay with that. I feel this weird satisfaction when people hang up the phone with me and last thing they say is they feel better now and they know what to do next, thanks to me. I feel accomplished.

So I kind of enjoying this newly found communication style for me. And no, I don’t feel it’s pathetic, that people come to me only when they have issues. I feel proud. And if people come to me for no reason, I feel the conversation is pointless.

That all started well over 12 years ago. So it is, indeed, difficult to change. Not that I want to or think that I need to (change).

If anything, I’m modifying it. A few years after, I started realizing that some people just need to be listened. If they don’t ask for solutions, I would not offer one. Unless they keep carrying on and on and I really have something else to do, then I will tactfully ask if they would like some advice. When I speak with women of course I rephrase the question. Now, though, I ask the questions in a lot better way.

Listening comes naturally to me, it’s alyways been. That helps.

I feel stronger everytime my advice helps someone out, that energizes me. The key in this case, it has to be a one-on-one conversation with that person. I don’t do well in larger groups. When I can’t or don’t do one-on-one, I listen and I observe most of the time.

I speak when I do have something to say, not just to fill in the gaps or speaking to the air.

I love interacting with people. No, let me rephrase that. I don’t mind interacting with people. I’m okay with socializing, go to parties or networking. But I’m not the talker, I listen. In fact, here’s my pattern:

1. I walk into a room.
2. I go to where the food/drinks are.
3. I go to a corner or find a seat.
4. I eat/drink AND watch everyone.
5. I approached one person/one small group to join in.
6. I say hi, and listen.
7. Then I slip out to balcony or restoom, or get more food, just to get away and get some air.
8. And I’m ready to join another conversation/group.

Normally I end up having a rather serious conversation with one or two people after a while, and that’s okay. I feel accomplished, I make new friends, not just knowing people’s names. I actually do, start building relationships by getting to know “the person” side of some people.

To wrap this up, sometimes it helps to understand why you speak the way you speak. Sometimes it took a little struggle to realize what you really are made of and made for.

So I talk slow, but I speak points. So I don’t have hundreds of names on my network list, but I actually do know a 70+ people that I have connection with.

Essentially, clear communication –> great conversations –> stronger relationships.

I think I can live with that.

How about you, what is your communication style and do you think it’s working for you?

Listening is never been one of my weaknesses, so I never thought of sharing it on the blog. You know, most of the time we talk about what we need, not what we already have. Not because we’re selfish, it’s just not something that you think about when you’re working on overcoming your weaknesses.

This morning, however, something prompted me. I got a new pillow yesterday, and I slept extremely well. So I was awake, but didn’t want to get out of bed. So I started thinking, what would be a good topic for today’s blog. Then I realized, instead of trying to figure out what’s more to learn, why don’t I share this time?

So here it is. Listening is:

1. Be present in a conversation.

Not just your body there, but your mind as well. If you’re talking to someone at a networking event, don’t think about those reports that are due in the a.m.

If those reports are that important, then you should be at the office, or at home, working on them. You’re here, you might as well be here.

2. Pay attention to what your conversation partner is saying.

The worse thing that could happen is someone’s talking and they throw you a counter question like, “So what about you, what do you think of it?” and you couldn’t answer because you weren’t sure what they’d been talking about to begin with.

You’re there, you can hear he’d been talking about something that happened with one of his clients recently, but after the first 2 sentences that came out of his mouth, your eyes scanned the room. And although eventually your eyes came back to him (your conversation partner), your mind started wandering.

Where did I see that person before? Who should I talk to next? Where is the desert table? Mmm, that’s just wrong.  Really.

3. Listening is not anticipating.

Listening is not waiting for your chance to talk. Listening is not thinking of what you would say next. Listening is opening your ears and taking in what other people are saying.

The only time this could be a problem is for someone who is not quick-witted, someone who always need to think before they speak (introverts), and when the topic is not an interest to you. This could be a challenge because you might take a little longer to respond, and thus creating some (read: too many) lull moments.

When this happen, don’t worry too much. The more you think about if, the harder a pressure you give to yourself. If your conversation partner is trying to be as good of a listener as you are, they will find the pause as not a big of a deal. They will give you time to think, while they analyze you and the topic. In fact, they might be excited to see what you would finally come up with.

If they rush you to talk and don’t seem to care about your conversation style or your interests, than maybe they aren’t for you.

What if you do need a conversation with this person? How do you bridge that communication syle gap and get his attention anyway, while at the same time letting him know how you can be a help to him? There are a few tips I can give you, and I promise it will be in next week’s blog. For right now, I have to stick on this big picture of listening.

4. Have a genuine interest in other people.

Don’t pretend to be interested. Don’t ask questions for the sake of asking questions. Or worse, to keep the conversation flow. Because when you do that, it would come up as a feeling that the other person is being interrogated, not having a conversation.

Scott Ginsberg, the Nametag guy and the expert on approachability said that having a good conversation is like playing ping-pong. You want to have a nice rally going, back-and-forth, not trying to slam it all the time.

Robert Middleton, the legend in marketing guy added with a sentence that hit the nail on my head when he said have a conversation where you’re not always trying to make the point.

Be genuinely interested in what other people are doing, or saying, and why they do what they do or say what they say. Be sincere. Be honest about wanting to know about them more.

In short, have a genuine interest in other people even when you don’t think they’re potential clients or they can be benefical to you. Because you just never know.

As I said above, next week I’ll share some tips about making an interesting conversations with someone who has a different communication style and creating a situation where you can communicate your marketing message and get them interested to hear about it.

Therefore every time I walk into the room, they’re the first thing I see. Just one of my ways to make something stick in my brain.

However, when it comes to putting them into action…everything goes out the window.

Initially I thought nervousness was the culprit. Apparently it’s not the only one.

Last week I promised myself to test the 3-seconds rule at the family reunion that we had going on later on that day. That was going to be the perfect occassion. I knew those people, but not seeing them often enough to always leave some things to talk about. So topic wasn’t the issue. Well, it shouldn’t be; or so I thought.

Guess what, I got there, started talking and absolutely forgot about applying the 3-seconds rule!

I was going to wait 3 seconds to respond to each and every of their sentences. Well, I didn’t count. They said something, I responded in my usual way. I didn’t wait for 3 seconds. Sometimes I responded right the next milisecond after they stopped. Sometimes it took me a while to think of what to say next.

Needless to say, I was either too excited, or downright boring.

I do have another problem, I don’t know how to do small talks; but that will be for next week discussion.

Right now, my biggest concern is, how to apply what I learn? Communication is supposed to be spontaneous.

Imagine this situation..
Someone say something, I count two-thousand-and-one, two-thousand-and-two, two-thousand-and-three; and when I stop counting I take another 2 seconds to recall what they said and think of the respond. That’s just way too long! The whole process would take at least 6 seconds if not more.

How do we maintain a conversation like that?

This is tougher than I thought.

Communication is supposed to be a basic skill, conversation is supposed to be spontaneous. You don’t stop and think to say something. Not all the time, anyway.

I can buy all kind of good books, and knowing a lot good theories. However, if I’m not able to apply them in the real life, what’s the point?

I’m confused. Of course I can talk, but I certainly don’t communicate effectively. I’m stuck only able to have good conversations with people who know my style of talking.

Sometimes I talk round and round because I like to make sure everyone have the background of my point, that I get the point itself last – when people start to doze of.

Sometimes I start with the point and people either don’t like or don’t care to know how do I reach that conclusion; and by the time I’m done talking, they forget the point since I said it way at the beginning.

Sometimes they get what they want to hear from me and stop paying attention. So it’s like I’m talking to a wall for the rest of the conversation.

Finally, when I take a few more seconds to stop, think, and talk…conversations are not even enjoyable.

I’m confused.

That’s why I like writing better. I can re-read and edit before I submit it for everyone to read.

Yes, that’s a sad truth. I’m not really getting anywhere to be able to communicate effectively.

Wait, let me take that back. I actually did learn how to communicate effectively. It’s having effective conversations that I still need to work on right now.

Well, that’s a progress. At least people don’t “huh” me when I say something anymore. They don’t ask me to repeat what I said over and over again – thanks to enunciation practice and learn to project my voice.

Okay, that’s good enough. One step at a time. Wooohoo to me!

It means you have 3 seconds before you have to respond. 3 seconds are (supposedly) a good amount of time to think of what to say, yet not too long that your conversation partner starts to wonder if you’re still there.

I would have to try practicing that today. When I’m tempted to respond right away, I would take a pause and count in my head, “One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three,” before I start talking again.

I would also watch my conversation partner’s reaction and expression. My guess is some people will get bored, some people will look around regardless, and some people would anxiously wait, almost curious why I hadn’t said anything.

This should be a quite interesting project for me today. I would have a very good chance to apply it as we’re going to a family reunion, with usual attendance of around 85 people.

The only problem with trying on this method is, to apply the listening rule at the same time.

By now you should have known that listening is not anticipating, correct?

Listening means really present and absorb what your conversation partner is saying. NOT thinking about what to say next.

By making myself counting one-thousand-one-two-three and watching reactions on every pause moments, it would be tough to also THINK of what to say next.

I’m not conversationalist by nature, so each one of these efforts requires more strength and hard-working brain muscles every time.

I know it will be well worth it when one day I’m able to carry on interesting conversations and people actually stay put and listens to what I have to say.

I’ll share the results of this 3-seconds rule application in conversations with you all next week.

I know pronunciation. It’s one of the things that ESL practitioners need to master or else their speaking would be very poor. It’s common that a lot of ESL learners do far better in their writing than they do with their speaking.

My personal ability  of speaking 3 languages and learned a few more when I was younger discovered the specific importance of proper pronunciation. In Chinese, for example, the exact same words in writing and pronunciation, with slightly different tone, have different meanings. So in English when it’s only pronunciation that matters, no tone to worry about, that wasn’t too big of a deal.

However, that moment of being able to speak fluently was way behind me. Now I need to be able to communicate clearly for business purposes. Not just speak, but communicate. Not as an employee, not as a consumer, not as a friend, but as a leader. A speaker for my own purpose.

In my journey I discovered enunciation. So let me share my finding of this new word, the importance of it, and how to practice.

According to wiki, “Good enunciation is the act of speaking clearly and concisely,” and “The opposite of good enunciation is mumbling or slurring.”

While I don’t necessarily slur, I do mumble sometimes. And it’s quite annoying when even my friends say they can’t even understand my voice mail message.

Well that’s a good starting point for me to fix.

Firstly, good enunciation is very important because when you speak with it, it makes you appear more professional, more educated, and interesting to listen to. It’s hardly exciting if your listeners can’t even understand what you’re saying. You will either lose their attention, or you would appear like a beginner, no matter how good at a matter of subject you actually are.

The common problems of how people are not enunciating clearly are:

1. The omission the “ng” and “ed” at the end of words. For example, they say “walkin” instead of “walking”, or “stop” instead “stopped”.
2. They don’t open their mouth. Open your mouth, keep your lips flexible, twist the tongue, and relax the jaw.
3. It’s a habit of wanting to speak fast, always in a rush, and trying to fit too many words in one breath.

Here are some really good exercises if you’re serious about improving you enunciation.

• This site would help you to start practicing in baby steps. You can do it alone, and it gives you 26 fixed sentences to repeat each day.
• When you have a sparring partner, try this one. It gives you weekly, step-by-step process and assignments to repeat. If you have a specific deadline this would be a good practice to take on.

The best thing about these practices of enunciation, they don’t require a lot of time to do. Certainly fit in your busy schedule, and you can literally do it anywhere. In the car, at work, at home, even at the park or in a mall.

Now I’m going to start practicing a good enunciation.

Guess what, I was wrong.

A few reasons for that:
1. The person who was with me the whole time at The Mixer, she was tied up elsewhere. So I was all alone.
2. There were A LOT MORE people at the breakfast. It was a huge ballroom.
3. I was lost. In term of, I wasn’t sure what to do, where to go, who should I talk, or should I not talk at all. Can I just stand still here in the middle of the room? Even so I would still felt lost.

When I finally met someone with a name tag that I ever heard of, I approached that person and started a conversation. Needless to say, I was so relief with that I did not want to leave her alone.

I knew I was being a pest (or at least I felt so), but I couldn’t help. Either I did that, or I left. I did not want to leave, because that means I’m running away from a challenge.

So she finally got rid of me by introducing me to someone else, and indirectly pushing me to follow that other person. We stood in line for food, and then we found a table.

The rest of the meeting was great. New people were being introduced (thank God I was just a guest) and there was a speaker who dominated the rest of that meeting.

I can tell you one thing, I MADE ALL MISTAKES THERE WERE TO BE MADE IN HAVING A CONVERSATION.

I ignored their body language that tells me that they want to get out of that conversation. I didn’t know where else to go or who should I talked to next if I leave this person.

I forgot to ask them questions about themselves. They asked me questions and I answered them, ended up feeling like I was the only one who was talking.

I couldn’t remember how to ask open-ended questions. In a few occasions where I got a chance to ask them question, I did it in my normal way of asking, which is asking closed questions. It’s the type of questions that get people to answer with “Yes” or “No”. So in order to avoid lull moments, I asked another closed questions. Almost felt like an interrogation session when it’s my turn to ask questions.

Needless to say, I did not leave a great first impression.

In a way, that breakfast meeting felt kind of like a failure.

Double whammy, I was miserable and got think that networking isn’t for me. And I certainly did not leave good first impression with people.

It wasn’t until the day ater when I realized I need to calm down and think. What did I do wrong?

I figured it out though, and I definitely will go networking again. Stay tune for what I learn in my next blog (next week Friday).